Lord Volday Wolday Puff Puff Schmushle
by JamOnToasttt
Summary: Warning, contains rape/sex/murder/strong language/extremly bad spellings :) Okay so this is the first time I have written a fanfic. But I do love Harry Potter books. I wanted to create a unique fanfic. Sorry if you cant read the spellings ;) so looooooooooooooooooool :D :D :D
1. Chapter 1

Voleday Wolday Puff Puff Schmushle

Chappeytor 1

I walkt down da roadie to ze Pottrs house. Dis was gunnda be a good kill. I canttttttt wate untwill I get to kill the Pottor. Ever sinse I heard abowt da Pottrs who were creatinggg a homophobic rmy anganst da gays, I had to kll them. I meen, life beingggg Lord Volday Wolday Puff Puff Schmushie (king of da gays) is fckingggggggggg AWSUM! But pwepl who downt liake gays mayk meh saddddd :((((((( Ah mayn, WHY DA FCK DS NOBODAY LIAKE GAYSSSSSSS?! Gays r norml peopleesssss, we just walkkkkkkk, tlk and acttt difrntlay. We canot hlp iat, es ist da wai we ar. Deese sad sd poepals whoow dontay liake us ar sooooo stupaid. I hayte daym. Grrrrrr.

I walkt past dis ickl leeeetle boy, and I felt mah extraudinaraly longnss hrden. Yum. I pounct on mah hepllss pray, he hd no chnceeee ananst meh, I was LVPPS, I hd lotsa expirienceeeeeee in dis field of exrrteees. I rippd off heeeeessssss clothes, nd also rippd off half hes skn toooo (ooooopsy), and I pulld his bum cheeks aprt anddddd shovd mah 10 inchr insid warrrr sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooo gut, I pulld hees hair and his head came off, ich am soooo supr sstrongggggggg, I contnud ntll I felt satisfied. Aftr I had nished wid da leeeeeeeetle boi, I swept da snowwie off mah peenk fluffay cheetah prnt cloak. I ran da rest of da deeeestance to ze Pottrs Houseeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Heheeee, da powr of da homophobes wer ova. GAYS WILL RLE BICHES!

I bargd thru zee dor nd lookd arawnd. Dis hous was so nicey decorated, i luved da colour combinshun of purple blu nand greeeeeeeeen, It mayd meh feel all fluffay nands warmmmm insideeeeeeeeee :')))) I herd jaymsie look at meh nands screeeeeem. It mayd meh hawnay. I got out mah dildo wandddddddd nd shovt iyt en hes mouf. He gagd as it squrted magic cummmmm into hes mawth. He keeld ova nand ws deaddddddd! I got excitd, so I hd dust clmbed on tp of jaymsie, wen lilly caym thru da door, she towk 1 look ayt meh and drpped the bayby harry outttttt of hr arms, sayd 'oh shittttttt, pickt harray upppppp aynd ran upstares.

'stupd biiiiiich' I screamd, y coudnt shay wayt till I hd nyshed wid jaymsie?!i gowt uuuuup nand daynced upsares (nevar stowp tha dayncing) and fownd her in the bath rm sittin on da toileeeeet (I gt da runs weyn im nervus too), harrie was iyn da biches rms. I puyshd harrie on da flor, nds shovd tha magix dildow insid lils mowf. Aftr shay hayd dyet,I lowked at harries fais (witch waws covred in blooooooooood) and heeeee lowkt at meh. Everything inside me came undone as I stared at the tiny blood covered face of harray, King of the homophobes. All the lines that held me to my life were sliced apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Everything that made me who I was - my love for men, my love for my shagging animals, the love for my other gay best friends, my hatred for homophobes, my home, my willy, myself- disconnected from me in that second- snip snip snip - and floated up into space. I was not left drifting. A new string held me where I was. Not one string, but a million. Not strings, but steel cables. A million steel cables all tying me to one thing - to the very centre of the universe. I could see that now- how the universe swirled around this one point. I'd never seen the symmetry of the universe before, but now it was plain. The gravity of the earth no longer tied me to the place where I stood. It was the baby boy in the on the floor that held me here now. Harray.

OH MY FUCKANG GOWD, I EMPRNTAYD OWN HARRAY?! I caynt kell heeem. Mehy hand was pushang da dildow intow mah mouthhhhhhhh. Must resist. Towww lait. I waws drwnayng on da magiks . Mah vison weynt blackkk (RACISM!) aynd I becayymm nudding. (oh yessss by ze wai, dere waws a profocie mayd dat harray wowd beeeeee kng of da homophobes, das nicht gut!- now I aym ded)


	2. Chapter 2

Chappeytor 2

'UP U MUDDERFUKINGHPEISOFSHET. UPPPPPP'. Dat waws mah arntays petuniyah. She is evils. I stoowd uup nands hit mah hed ons seeling. OWWWWWWWWWWW MUFERPUCKINGSEELING.I downt liak leeving unders tha stayrs. It suks. Mrrrrrr. Arntie pet. nocked on ma dooooor agains and I was like 'YESSSSSS WTF I AM AWAYK'

Shay opend ze door and was weeringh a bekineh and hed oil in her hahnd. Sheee sqertd it ovr her tets and rbed her nips. I pownnced ons her. Sheh rbed mah 11 inchr and I went in her. MMMMMMmmmmmmm. Fter 1 hour, we nished. A pb time fur meee. :DDDDD. OHSMAGODSSSSS I frgt 2 1ntr0duc3 ma slf to yuuu. I IS Harrie Pottey, AKA savur of th straits. I gt red of da ghays whn ah waws won. Ah ws onlay a bb. How da fk I kllt LVWPPS at dat ayge, IDK. Weell, I had hed mah brekfst of vgna juis, so I got upp. Ih wlked owt of mah "room" and into le kechen where mahhhhh unkl wa5. I dnt liayk hem. -.- -.- -.-. I walkeddd uph 2 hem ad I snpped hees neck. ITS OKAYYYYY, he is a vampire, he will come cbac to lyf in liak 1/2 a hour. In dat time, I went tow a prossey hous n I fucked 5 hores at da saym time. :PP. Den I walkd howm. I got a letter. Funnay letter it ws. Eet waws green.

...

EEYt sayd:

Dear Mr. Pottey,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.  
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress

HOGWARTS SCHOOL  
of WHICHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

UNIFORM  
First-year students will require:  
sets of plain work robes (black)  
plain pointed hat (black) for day wear  
pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)  
winter cloak (black, with silver fastenings)  
Please note that all pupil's clothes should carry name tags.

COURSE BOOKS  
All students should have a copy of each of the following:

The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1)  
by Miranda Goshawk

A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot

Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling

A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch

One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi  
by Phyllida Spore

Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them  
by Newt Scamander

The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection  
by Quentin Trimble

OTHER EQUIPMENT

1 wand  
1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)  
1 set glass or crystal phials  
1 telescope  
1 set brass scales

Students may also bring and owl OR a cat OR a toad.

PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS.

...

I hed no prnts. 4EVAALONE. :'(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

AWsum. IM a wizard. :3.

I walkt up to uncl vern ansd I was liik 'IMAWIZARD,K,NOWYOUDRIVEMETOTHESTATION,K,ISEEYOUL8 TR.' and vern was like 'K'.

unkl vern drove me to the stashon and I was just sooooooomotherfuckingexcited I wet myslf. 5 tyms. ooops. I kykt nkl vern in da blls asa gdbye. I got arnty pet and kissed her fannay gdby. I walkt thru da barrier to platform 9 3/4.


End file.
